


Snape in the Labyrinth: A Love Story

by NavigatorNine



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Labyrinth (1986)
Genre: Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, M/M, sin - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-22
Updated: 2016-01-22
Packaged: 2018-05-15 11:29:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,425
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5783683
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NavigatorNine/pseuds/NavigatorNine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Severus, in a fit of rage, wishes that the goblins would come and take Harry Potter away. The goblins are only too happy to oblige.<br/>(Written as a joke, so please do not take it seriously.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Danii](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Danii/gifts).



> Note: I mean no disrespect to either David Bowie or Alan Rickman (although if you think homo-erotic fanfiction is disrespectful, then /what are you doing on this site/???)  
> Anyway, the idea for this was spawned when I made a Facebook status along the lines of "how many Jareth/Snape tribute cosplays do you think we're going to see?" Being a slash fan who is friends with many other slash fans, naturally the slash I used brought up some horrifying implications, and that's how we got here.  
> Needless to say, this is not my best work and I urge you to not judge me based on this. Actually, I beg of you to not judge me. Please don't judge me.

Severus Snape paced the hallway outside his office, footsteps echoing on the stone floor. Autumn had finally come, bringing with it hordes of snot-nosed children and horny teenagers and, worst of all,  _ Potter. _ Harry Potter, 15 years old and still an immature, whiny, hotheaded, arrogant, insubordinate, irresponsible, lazy, selfish brat.

And he was going to be here any minute now to serve his detention. Some of the more softhearted teachers would accuse Severus of being too harsh, giving Harry detention the first week of school, but Severus knew he deserved it. Even if he hadn’t done anything  _ yet _ , he would soon, and it was better to get a jump on things.

Harry cleared his throat. Severus whirled around to face him.

“Good evening, Potter,” he snarled, just for the satisfaction of forcing Harry to say it back.

“Good evening,” Harry replied as stiffly as he could, barely audible even in the silence of the hall.

Severus entered his office, leaving Harry to catch the door before it smacked him in the shoulder.

“Tonight you will be copying down lists of potions ingredients and arranging them in alphabetical order. And I expect perfect penmanship.”

“Yes, sir.”

It wasn’t an  _ entirely  _ worthless endeavor. Parchment could get lost or spilled on, and it was good to have backup copies. Of course, Severus would sooner die than have Potter’s handwriting all over his office, so he was going to throw everything away as soon as the night was over.

Harry had finished his first sheet. Severus snatched it off the table, barely glancing at it before crumpling it up and tossing it aside. “Worthless,” he sneered. “Your penmanship is barely legible. Start over.”

Harry muttered something under his breath.

“ _ What _ did you say?”

“Nothing, Professor!” Harry insisted, though he was practically trembling with rage.

“I suggest you keep your attitude in check, Mr. Potter, before it lands you in some very nasty trouble. You are just like your father in every respect. No respect for authority, nothing but contempt for the rules. It’s a miracle they allowed you back in here with your combined track records. I wish they hadn’t. I wish-” Severus was on a roll now, letting his hatred for James, and subsequently, Harry, rule his words, “I wish the goblins would take you away.” He turned away. “Right. Now.”

Harry said nothing. Severus assumed he had been thrown for a loop with his odd phrasing, but seconds turned into minutes and there was nothing, not even the scratching of a quill.

Severus turned around. Harry was gone.

“Looking for someone?” said a voice from behind him.

Severus whirled around to face the intruder, wand at the ready.

The man was unarmed save for one perfectly clear orb which he held aloft in an elegantly gloved hand. The rest of his ensemble was par for the course in the wizarding world; layers and layers of intricately patterned black garments, and-- Severus couldn’t help but notice--  _ extremely _ tight pants.

“State your business,” Severus demanded.

“Surely you know,” the man said in a voice of silk, lifting one delicate eyebrow. “This is about the boy.”

Taking a step closer, Severus raised his wand threateningly. “Harm him and it will be the last thing you ever do.” His voice was calm and even, though his mind was in a whirl. This was no servant of the Dark Lord. Who was he then? A friend of Dumbledore’s? Could this be a test?

Whoever he was, the man was not daunted by Severus’ threat. He laughed quietly and spun the orb around his hand. “I mean him no harm. I merely wanted to let you know that your wish was granted.”

“I beg your pardon.”

“The boy. I, Jareth, the Goblin King, took him away. Your wish has been granted.”

Severus rolled his eyes. “If this is some joke or some insipid prank, know that  _ it is not funny _ . Please inform Mr. Potter and his little friends that they had better stop this now or they will be facing 3 month’s detention scrubbing toilets.”

Now it was Jareth’s turn to roll his eyes and Severus noticed with a growing sense of inadequacy that he was just a little  _ better _ at it, a little more glamorous, a little more disdainful, somehow instilling Severus with the sense that his whole existence was nothing more than a trifling waste of time. It was a level of dismissal that Severus, with all his sneering and scowling, could only dream of reaching. Jareth flicked his wrist and the crystalline orb in his hand flashed in the candlelight. For a moment, Severus was mesmerized. He blinked.

Gone were the dank walls of his office, gone was the parchment, gone was the miasma of teenage inadequacy-- Oh no, that was still there, hanging around Snape the way James Potter’s little minions always hung around him.

Jareth was there also.

Although, Severus realized, he didn’t exactly know where ‘there’ was. They appeared to be on a hill of some sort, overlooking a massive labyrinth. He was reminded unpleasantly of the third task of the Triwizard Tournament, though this, somehow, felt even more dangerous in a way he didn’t fully understand. He could feel Jareth’s penetrating gaze on him, searching him.

“No one can Apparate inside Hogwarts,” Severus felt the need to say. “What illusion is this?”

“I know not what you mean by ‘Apparate’, but I can assure you, this is no illusion. It is a test. If you can traverse my labyrinth in 13 hours, I will give you the boy--”

“Harry.”

“Alright, Harry. I will give him back to you.”

“I tire of your games.” Severus brandished his wand once more. “I have other ways of getting what I want.”

Jareth laughed coldly. “Oh, I very much doubt that.” Then he vanished.

Pushing aside the rising anger in his chest, Severus made an attempt to Apparate. Nothing happened. A salvo of red sparks shot from his wand.

Very well, then. Into the labyrinth it was.

Severus, not loosening his grip on his wand, caught his robes in his fists and hoisted them around his ankles as he began his trip down the hill. In the back of his mind, he couldn’t help but wonder if Harry was doing all right.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Obviously I am not responsible for the lyrics to "Magic Dance."  
> Also, I realized that I forgot to mention in the last chapter, that I have seen Labyrinth a grand total of one (1) time. Yes, once. And it's no longer on Netflix. I did a lot of improvising.  
> I would not have added this scene, but the ensuing comment thread on my original status included this scenario, so I felt I would not be doing the idea justice if I left it out. Just so you know.

Harry James Potter was fucking pissed. If he thought detention with Snape was the worst thing that could happen to him today, well, that wasn’t his fault, because he didn’t know that “being kidnapped by some nutjob in a Halloween costume and his army of quasi-goblins” was within the realm of possibility. It was like being held hostage by Gilderoy Lockhart’s even more horrifying cousin.

He had disappeared for the time being, leaving Harry alone with these creatures. They called themselves goblins, but they were like no goblin Harry had ever seen before. They certainly bore no resemblance to the goblins who managed Gringott’s.

“I’d get comfortable if I were you. You’re going to be here for a while.”

Oh, great. The weirdo was back.

“Look,” Harry said, trying to keep things civil. “If you’re a Death Eater, I’d appreciate it if we could just get started with the whole fight to the death thing, because I’m getting sick of this.”

Jareth (as the goblins had referred to him) lifted one blond eyebrow. “Death Eater? Oh, no, I’m nothing of the sort.”   
Harry made a slow, subtle movement to grasp his wand under his robes. “What do you want with me?”

“Nothing specifically, I--”

“Stupefy!” Harry whipped his wand out in a wide, slashing motion. The subsequent flash of light blinded him for a moment and when he could see again, nothing had changed. Jareth was still standing there, unharmed and unimpressed.

“That was not very polite,” he admonished, wagging a finger. “Please, do try to relax. You’re going to be here for quite a while. That is, unless your, ah, friend can come to your rescue in time.”

“My friend? You don’t mean--” Harry wrinkled his nose in disgust, “Professor Snape is not my friend.”

“Snape, is it?”

“Professor Severus Snape. He’s a teacher at the school I attend.  _ Not _ a friend.”

“Like it or not, boy, he gave you to me.”

“It’s  _ Harry. _ And what do you mean ‘gave me to you’? I’m a wizard, not a-- a-- a Galleon or a pet rat.”

“Regardless, he wished the goblins would come and take you away, and we did. He owes me now.”

“So put me back, and take him prisoner, for Merlin’s sake!” Harry’s wand had become a veritable fountain of sparks, filling the musty air with acidic-smelling smoke. He decided to take the offensive again. “Petrificus Totalus! Stupefy! Incarcerous!”

“If you keep causing trouble, I shall take that thing away from you,” Jareth said, easily waving the spells away with a simple flick of his wrist. To further the insult, he turned his back to Harry and took a few leisurely steps away.

He tilted his head and made an elegant gesture toward a random goblin. “You remind me of the babe.”

“What babe?” The goblin queried.

“The babe with the power.”

“Sorry, what’s happening?” Harry interjected.

“The power of voodoo,” Jareth continued over him.

“Who do?”

“You do.”

“No seriously,” Harry insisted, but the conversation carried on.

“Do what?”

“Remind me of the babe.”

“Does anyone else hear that?” Harry asked, looking around for the source of what sounded like Muggle-style 80’s synthesizers.

Jareth ignored him and, much to Harry’s horror, burst into song:

_ “I saw my baby, _

_ crying hard as babe could cry _

_ What could I do? _

_ My baby’s love had gone _

_ And left my baby blue _

_ Nobody knew _

_ What kind of magic spell to use” _

At this point, the goblins chimed in,

_ “Slime and snails _

_ Or puppy dog’s tails _

_ Thunder or lighting” _

Oh god, they were getting closer to him. Why were they getting closer to him? Jareth in particular looked predatory, regarding him with a glint in his eye that Harry really didn’t like.

_ Then baby said- _

Jareth turned over his shoulder and pointed to Harry, who said, “Um.”

_ “Dance, magic, dance!” _

“Excuse me!” Harry shot more sparks out of his wand, deliberately this time. “Whatever is going right now, can it-- Can it just  _ not be _ ? Okay, I’m your prisoner for now, I can get behind that. But this?” This really  _ was _ just like being with Gilderoy Lockhart, only 10 times weirder. “I’m not really a fan of the whole… Song and dance thing. So maybe we could put the brakes on that for now.”

“Very well.” The music stopped. Jareth crossed his arms and Harry got the sense that he was a little put out. “I suppose I’d better go and check on Severus, anyway. Wouldn’t want to make this too easy for him, would we?”

He vanished before Harry could think of something suitably snarky to say in reply.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like I need to go shower and wash away the shame

Severus, though he didn’t know it, was having a much better time of it than Harry. A simple Four-Point Spell let him keep his bearings, and the so-called challenges he faced were easily dispatched with his wand. After bypassing a rather obnoxious pair of talking door knockers, he paused to perform the Four-Point spell again.

“You’re awfully quick,” Jareth’s voice came from behind him. “Very reliant on that little wand of yours.” He clicked his tongue. “Naughty boy, you’re not playing the game properly. Perhaps I should take it away from you.”

Finding his eyes wandering downward, Severus hurriedly established eye-contact. “Rest assured, it would not impede my progress in the slightest.” By God, those pants were tight. And his legs were  _ very _ fine.

Jareth caught him looking. “See something you like?”

Mortified but determined not to show it, Severus curled his lip and slowly brought his gaze all the way up to Jareth’s face ( _ absolutely _ liking what he saw, no, loving it, revering it, craving it). “Not particularly. Please do not mistake my morbid fascination for  _ interest _ . You are one thing to me: an obstacle, and you would do well to stay out of my way. I swore to protect that boy, and you’ll find I can be  _ very _ dangerous when his safety is… compromised.”

“I  _ like _ dangerous.” Catlike, fluid, Jareth began walking concentric circles around Severus. “Show me dangerous,” he whispered, intimately close.

Severus shivered. “You,” he said with an effort, “are wasting my time.”

Distance. Immediately. The temperature dropped several degrees. “Time.” Jareth narrowed his eyes. “Time, time. You’ve got nothing but time. You want to see a waste of time?”   
He pointed to a clock that had been on the wall the whole time, really, the author didn’t just stick it in because they needed a new plot point. With a roundabout gesture, he brought all the hands forward to rest on 12.

“There’s your waste of time,” he spat, and vanished.

Severus hurried forward feeling low.

He soothed himself by planning all the detentions he was going to give Harry when they got back to Hogwarts. In. Intricate. Detail. That boy was going to be scrubbing cauldrons for the rest of his miserable life.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is about where I got writer's block. Yes. I got writer's block on a crack fanfiction. It was probably the God of Fanfiction doing everything in their Divine Power to stop me from writing this monstrosity.  
> (Yes, the ball-twirling innuendo was on purpose.)

After learning that his magic still worked on the goblins, Harry was marginally less miserable. After hitting one with Impedimenta, they learned to stay away. He only wished he could do something about their incessant chattering. He sat on the ground with his back pressed against the wall and tried to tune them out. If only there was some spell that could make things quieter. Hitting them with Silencio seemed a bit too cruel, but a muffling spell.  _ That _ would be handy. Something like… Mute-- no. Mumble-- no, no. Muffliato! That would be useful. It was really too bad a spell like that didn’t exist.

A movement caught his eye. Jareth was back, and he seemed huffy about something. Harry watched with mild interest as he stormed over to a chair in the middle of the room, his throne perhaps, and collapsed into it. Harry could practically taste the melodrama. He was not impressed.

“Professor Severus Snape,” Jareth said, with an expression like he was chewing broken glass, “is going to fail.”

“What did you do to him?” Harry asked. As much as he liked it when bad things happened to Snape, that man was, apparently, his one ticket to freedom.

“Don’t you worry, I haven’t done him any lasting damage. Jareth pointed to a clock on the wall (that was there the whole time as well, the author promises). “He has a little less than one hour to reach you.”

“Oh.” Harry sighed. “Thank goodness.” He didn’t doubt for a second that Snape would save him, so anything that shortened the length of time he had to spend here was cause for celebration. Just for something to do, he waved his wand and magicked up some green sparks.

Jareth went back to sulking, summoning three of his crystalline balls and fiddling with them absentmindedly.

“Are you a Seer, then?” Harry asked after a moment of silent ball-twirling.

“Seer?” The balls vanished. Jareth gave him a sharp look. “You do use a lot of strange words, don’t you?”

“You’re certainly no Muggle.”   
“There’s another one. Keep this up and you’ll only succeed in annoying me.”

“Fine, then, forget it.”

More silence, more sulking. Even the goblins seemed to have shut up for the time being.

Harry decided to try another angle. “Please let me go.”

“What?” Jareth had just succeeded in arranging himself into the perfect picture of kingly moodiness and did not look at all happy to be interrupted.

“Please let me go back to Hogwarts? You can keep Snape for all I care.”

“What makes you think I want him?” Jareth demanded, sitting up, brows furrowed. “I don’t. I don’t want him. Not at all.” He stood up and walked over to the glassless window on the opposite side of the room. “Damn.”

Harry hurried over to peer out the window as well. There, passing through the city gates, was one Severus Snape.

“I never thought I’d be  _ happy _ to see that slimy git,” Harry confessed.

Jareth gave him a dirty look. “You ought to commend him. He’s about to save you, you know.” He paused for dramatic effect. “Unless I can slow him down a little.” He disappeared in a puff of glitter.

Harry stepped away from the window and had turned to return to his seat at the wall when an idea struck him. Carefully, he clambered up onto the edge and swung his legs over. He scooted forward by centimeters and, at the last possible second, whispered “Arresto Momentum” and shut his eyes.

It worked. He fell slowly to the ground and landed without a sustaining even a scratch. He suppressed the urge to cheer and instead began looking around. Obviously, if Snape had to come and rescue him, it would speed up the process if he actively sought out Snape as well. It was only a matter of finding him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I imagine that Jareth knows /about/ Wizards and that they exist, he just doesn't particularly give a fuck.  
> Oh, yes! Re: The Muffliato joke, Harry learns that spell in his 6th year, and he is in his 5th in this story. It's not particularly funny, but I thought I should try for some sort of irony, just to make everyone feel smart.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For a crack shipping fanfiction, I almost feel like there wasn't ENOUGH romance. Is that weird? I feel like that's weird.

Jareth materialized in front of Severus this time. “Well, well. I’m impressed. Look at how far you’ve come.”

“I’m close, I take it?” Severus pushed past him and Jareth hurried to catch up.

“Yes, you’ve almost made it.” When Severus refused to stop, even for a moment, Jareth caught him by the hand. “Look at me when I’m talking to you,” he commanded.

Severus rolled his eyes, though he did stop. “How very like a child you are.”

“You should not insult me. You’re not the only one who can be dangerous.” His blue eyes met Severus’ black, full of yearning and lust and magic.

He was close now, close enough that Severus could feel his breath, trace every line on his handsome face, his hand hot over Severus’. And still, Severus moved in closer. They were millimeters apart now, their noses touching, their lips about to meet…

“Professor!” Harry skidded to a stop, clutching a stone wall and panting. He had sprinted for as long as he could, then began to jog, clinging to the hope that he could find Snape and  _ finally _ get out of this place.

Jareth and Severus were both red in the face, standing at odd angle, bodies twisted away from each other, slanted awkwardly against planted feet.

“Potter,” Severus said, but he was interrupted.

“Look! See?” Harry said to Jareth. “We’re together, look, he found me.” He reached out and batted Snape’s arm. “We even touched, that’s it, we’re done. Let’s go.”

“Quiet!” Jareth snarled. “Severus and I have some unfinished business.” He turned away from Harry. “Severus. Have I not done as you asked? I took the boy from you. I have heard your desires and made them true. Are you not grateful for all I have done?”

Severus looked at him. “I take responsibility for the wishes I have made. But I,” he swallowed, torment in his eyes, “I cannot allow this to go any further.”

“I ask for so little.” Jareth took a step forward. “Just fear me.”

“Yes,” Severus breathed despite himself.

“Love me.”

“ _ Yes. _ ”

“Do as I ask, and I shall be your slave.”

Severus kissed him. It was deep, polite, full of yearning and all the suppressed desire that Severus could not bring himself to express through any other means. Jareth wrapped his thin arms around him, deepening the kiss, giving himself over fully.

“Merlin’s  _ pants _ !” Harry had been watching the proceedings in stunned silence, but this! This was too much to handle. He turned away, fighting the urge to gag. Instead, he rubbed his eyes and frantically tried to scrub away the image that he was certain would be burned into his subconscious from now until he died, which, if he had to live with that mental image haunting him, he hoped would be soon.

The lovers ignored him. Severus broke the kiss. “Jareth,” he whispered sadly. “I can’t.”

“And why not?” Jareth looked like he wanted to be angry but instead began to pepper Severus with a fervent shower of little kisses. “You don’t want to stay with me?” he murmured, breath hot on Severus’ jawline.

“I do. More than anything. But I swore. I swore to protect the boy. I have to take him back. I have to remain with him.”

The kisses ceased. “Very well. I will see to it that you return safely. But Severus? Do one thing for me.” Jareth looked up at him, eyes pleading.

“Anything.”

“Do not forget me.”

“I will cherish you until my dying breath.”

Severus leaned in for one final kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, folks, thanks for sticking with me. Hopefully the next thing I post will have some worth.  
> But really, this was fun to write and it gave me something to do between classes, and I really enjoyed myself. Since it's crack, I didn't have to worry too much about tone or continuity (see: the clock jokes) and I let myself write the way I like, with lots and lots of commas and long, possibly run-on sentences. And ridiculous similes. It was really a very freeing experience. 10/10 would write another horrifying crack fanfic someday.


End file.
